An All-Female Mixtape for the Five Stages of Heartbreak
The original notion of the five stages of grief was coined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, following the publication of her novel On Death and Dying, a detailed insight into the world of the terminally ill patients that she studied during her time at the University of Chicago. Upon the diagnosis of terminal illness, Kübler-Ross determined that all or most patients went through the five stages of grief, a sequence of emotions that chronologically comprised the eventual acceptance of death, preceded by denial, anger, bargaining and depression. This was latterly adapted as one of the fundamental pieces of knowledge involved in understanding and assisting individuals with terminal illnesses (and those struggling with bereavement) to efficiently process their emotions.
While the effects of terminal illness are incomparable to the effects of heartbreak, the emotions can retain a certain similarity in relation to the grief and the struggle of coping with loss. So, in hopes of assisting the healing process involved in a bad break-up, I present to you a compilation of my favorite songs for each emotional state, High Fidelity style: the visual equivalent of an old-school mixtape, with the addition of notes, addendums and personal stories included free of charge. Feel welcome to listen along.
I. Denial: "Not About Love" by Fiona Apple
If you’ve ever stumbled across any of my opinion pieces (or had the misfortune of meeting me in real life), you’ll know how how much I love Fiona Apple, with “Not About Love” being no exception. Combined with a killer piano melody and an equally excellent music video starring Apple and Zach Galifianakis, “Not About Love” is the quintessential song to represent the early stages of a break-up due to its ripe mixture of resentment and withdrawal. Released in 2005 as part of her third album, Extraordinary Machine, Apple’s narrator alludes to a relationship on the rocks, including the melodic melodrama that reflects the bouncing between emotional states that occurs immediately after a separation. One Okayplayer review described the song as, “Brilliant. It sounds like a portion of a ballet movement with a very dramatic ending,” which perfectly depicts Apple’s beatless and musical writing style. The lyrics that best represent the theme of denial can be found in the chorus, where Apple sings, “This is not about love, because I am not in love; in fact, I can’t stop falling out. I miss that stupid ache.”
Notable Mention: In an equally action-packed nod to romance-sanctioned denial, Regina Spektor’s 2006 song “Hero,” as part of her fourth studio album Begin To Hope, can be considered my notable mention for denial (especially considering the similarities between Apple and Spektor’s musical styles). If you’ve heard this song, it’s likely due to its appearance in the 2009 film 500 Days of Summer starring Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, as the track follows the two main characters throughout the disintegration of their relationship—a soulful integration of nostalgia and reminiscence spliced through storybook montages. This movie is what made me embrace Spektor’s work, and throughout the course of my five year’s worth of breakups (give or take), it has made the ranks of my Spotify playlists every time. If you’re in the midst of a separation, especially with a Joseph Gordon-Levitt type character, this would be the track for you. My favorite lyric? “I’m the hero of the story, don’t need to be saved. It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, no one’s got it all.”
II. Anger: "You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morrisette
This song needs no introduction. Hailed as a classic following its release in 1995 as part of the Jagged Little Pill album, Morrissette’s soul-bearing track “You Oughta Know” is, in my opinion, a stone’s throw away from being a perfect separation number. After all, it contains all my favorite musical components: a brief three-minute foray into undisguised rage, a (delightful) selection of expletives, and the fervent belting of the legend herself, Alanis Morrisette. The genius of this song is that it seems directly ripped from an adolescent Morrissette’s diary, inadvertently holding a mirror to the connected knowledge of the thoughts we all experience during a break-up but refuse to acknowledge publicly—the depravity, the jealousy, the pain, the desire to sing-shout at our former lovers over plates of pasta. There was no place for emotional self preservation and I believe Morrisette knew this, utilizing her pain to create an incredibly powerful and hot-blooded piece of art. Truthfully, it would be too difficult to pick an unrivalled favourite lyric from the track, but my heart leads towards, “Did you forget about me, Mr Duplicity? I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner. It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced, and are you thinking of me when you fuck her?”
Notable Mention: Equipped with enough swear words to make a sailor blush, “Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole” is a folksong written and performed by Martha Wainwright as part of her 2005 EP of the same name. Though unalike in genre and style, the piece epitomizes the same raw, wet anger as delivered by Morrisette, making it a natural segue throughout the various manifestations of anger. While the original piece was intended as a way for Wainwright to send a message to her singer-songwriter father Loudon Wainwright III, the content equally applies to the crudely impassioned feelings of anger following the termination of a relationship, with the presence of its emotional lyrics making it a natural continuation from the likes of Fiona Apple. This is not only an excellent song to rage-sing, it can also be considered a feminist anthem due to its free interpretation of the lyrics, and the specific notion mentioned of wishing for imperceptibility in predominantly male spaces. Few lyrics could better describe the the wrath of loss than, “You bloody mother fucking asshole.”
III. Bargaining: "Jolene" by Dolly Parton
In total contrast to Alanis Morrisette’s “You Oughta Know,” Dolly Parton’s 1974 track “Jolene” has taken the crown in terms of the endurance and bargaining theme. Widely regarded as Parton’s emotional magnum opus, the appeal of “Jolene” spans multiple generations due to its painfully relatable lyrics and sweet country melody. Prodding deeper below the surface, Parton ignored the typical themes of a break-up anthem (the rage, the ego, the competitiveness) and walked straight to the vulnerable core of the human willingness to make any sacrifice to avoid being left. “Jolene” is the melody of what remains when all the shields are pulled away, and all there is left to do is beg, even surpassing the social desires of ego and pride. Ultimately, this may be one of the best songs throughout the entire list due to its complete emotional vulnerability and representation of unique, nuanced perspectives. While the song almost entirely consists of excellent lyrics, the simplicity of the chorus is what makes it so excellent. As put by Parton herself, “Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, I'm begging of you please don't take my man.”
Notable Mention: To preface, “The Weakness In Me” by Joan Armatrading is one of my all-time favourite songs—of all genres, of all moods and by all artists. I first heard this song when I was a child as part of the soundtrack to the 1999 romantic comedy film 10 Things I Hate About You and alongside a deep-seated infatuation for Heath Ledger’s portrayal of Patrick Verona, it has stuck with me ever since. As stated by Armatrading herself, the lyrics follow a narrator who had an affair in their relationship and developed a subsequent romantic attachment for their new partner, while still being in love with their original partner. This may be a controversial selection for the emotion of bargaining, but I think this topic perfectly encapsulates the idea of a doomed romance as a notable mention, in conjunction with the attempts commonly made by both parties to prolong the relationship at all costs. The piano is sentimental, Armatrading’s voice is wavering and vulnerable, and the combination leads to an acknowledgement of the atmospheric nature of heartbreak. The song sets up such a painful kind of intimacy that it is hard to ignore the depth of her words, including the lyrics, “Why do you come here and pretend to be just passing by? When I need to see you and I need to hold you tighly, baby…”
IV. Depression: "I Bet On Losing Dogs" by Mitski
Leaning forwards towards this side of the century, “I Bet on Losing Dogs” was included in Mitski’s 2016 album Puberty 2, painfully detailing an insight into the world of seeking out relationships doomed to fail. There was a large selection of downhearted Mitski songs at my disposal for the topic of depression, but “I Bet on Losing Dogs” takes the metaphorical cake in terms of melody, vaguely teary-eyed lyrical delivery, and blue melodrama. While there are endless interpretations of this song, very few of them are happy, and even on first listening the song is somber and haunting, as all good post-breakup depression tracks should be. Ultimately I had little choice in relation to my favorite selection of lyrics due to the fact that the song mostly contains repetition of the same lyrics with mild variation, but overall the song is so poignant that I didn’t seem to mind. However, at a push, I choose: “I bet on losing dogs; I know they’re losing and I’ll pay for my place by the ring, where I’ll be looking in their eyes when they’re down.”
Notable Mention: On an equal plateau to “I Bet on Losing Dogs” in terms of musical style and personal preference is Ex:re’s 2018 release “Romance” fronted by the lead singer and songwriter of the well-known indie folk band Daughter, Elena Tonra. Within an interview with Babylon, Tonra stated, “I wanted to kind of retell an evening that I had had, but I
think in terms of the loneliness of trying to find the person that you’ve broken up with in strangers, which never happens, never ends well. I guess the music is trying to sort of conjure this nightclub feeling in that.” Set to a downcast beat and mourning piano melody, the track digests the effects of experiencing love, conflict and abandonment in a more modern era than my previous selections. In a similar vein to The 1975’s “Somebody Else,” it is the type of song you can cry or dance to depending on your current emotional state, which means it could also be slotted into most of these heartbreak stages. If I were to pick lyrics to best condense the period of depression, one verse I would choose is, “He pretends that he’s understanding, and you know in the grand scheme of everything he’s probably called a nice man, or an ordinary kind of man, or a stereotype with strong hands. I’m so sad at how little joy I realised within my time with my ex guy, before these statues arrived.”
V. Acceptance: "Both Sides Now" by Joni Mitchell
What good would a break-up list be without the presence of one of the greatest lyricists of the twentieth century, Joni Mitchell? “Both Sides Now” is one of her most bitter-sweet songs, employing the signature melancholy tinge that she has grown to be loved for, and for many people now conjures up the image of Emma Thompson’s character in the film Love Actually crying over this track after discovering her husband has had an affair. From my perspective, this song represents the change from idealism to realism following the pursuit of love and growth, with the eventual acceptance that nobody has all the answers and joy and pain are two sides of the same coin. Because of this, this song acts as a perfect track in closing and expresses the feeling of acceptance without being too cloying or naïve, a quality that is enviable and highly reflective of Mitchell’s talents. If you’d like a lyrical selection, I’d recommend, “I’ve looked at love from both sides now, from give and take, and still somehow it’s love’s illusions that I recall. I really don’t know love at all.”
To provide a notable mention for this track would only seek to offer some kind of conclusive resolution and so, in thename of break-up honesty, I don’t think there’s a track that could more closely and sweetly parallel “Both Sides Now.”This is just the ending. However, I do hope that if you’re experiencing any form of heartbreak your pain eases soon, andremember: none of these feelings are permanent! Cry, laugh, dance, do whatever you need to do—it’ll all be over soon.
Cover Photo by Madison Case. Edited by Madison Case.